The Bisexual Experience

exploring labels within the lesbian community + how my preferences in dating present themselves.

Before we even get into it, I think it’s important to first look at my relationship to masculinity, femininity, and androgyny.

Masculinity
Out of both my parents, I always connected more with my dad. He was the first person to show me how to draw a cube and a flower—something that stuck with me since I still draw now. He also got me into playing softball. We’d play without needing to talk much, but I always knew he cared. That’s just how he was—he showed love in quiet ways. Like if he found out you liked a certain snack, he’d make sure to grab it at the store next time. Just a little sign that he remembered.

We mostly visited his side of the family growing up, since they lived closer. That side was made up almost entirely of older guys, and they felt like the cool older brothers I never had at home. I admired them. My closest cousin, Bryan, was my age—and funnily enough, our names were nearly the same. He was Bryan and I’m Briana. According to my mom, his mom stole the name after she mentioned it before I was born. I was born months earlier, so maybe there’s some truth to it.

I remember going to Bryan’s house and feeling jealous of everything he had: an electric guitar, all the Diary of a Wimpy Kid books, his own room, and all the video games I wasn’t allowed to play because my mom was against them. To me, he was living the dream. When you’re a kid, it’s so easy to be impressed by someone else’s life that you’d almost switch places with them if you could.

I do have a younger sister, but she’s four years younger than me. So when I was 10 and she was 6, we weren’t really into the same things yet. That closeness came later.

At school, I had friends who were girls, but none of them were particularly feminine either. Like me, they grew up around guys, and it showed—in the way we spoke, the way we moved. With boys, there was a built-in comfort. We liked the same games, talked about the same things. I’d play handball, tetherball, and volleyball with them, and no one ever pointed out that I was the only girl. I was just one of them.

That all changed the moment I got boobs.

Getting them felt like a death sentence to the life I’d gotten used to. I was 11, in 5th grade, and suddenly it felt like I’d grown a third eye. People didn’t look at me the same. I wasn’t the friend to laugh and play with anymore—I was something different. And not in a good way.

Things didn’t get better in middle school. That’s when boys and girls stopped being just friends. If a guy talked to you, it was because he liked you—or because his friends dared him to. I started becoming aware of how I looked. Not enough to try and change anything, but enough to know it affected how I moved through the world.

If I had to sum up my romantic life at that age, the word would be: embarrassing.

There was this one moment in sixth grade. I was walking through the hall, and this group of three boys spotted me. Two of them giggled and pushed the third one forward. “Go, go do it,” they said. The boy walked up to me and said, “Hey, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

I just blinked. “Umm… I don’t know you?”

He burst out laughing and ran back to his friends. They all turned around, pointing and laughing at me. That was the first time the question ever entered my mind:

Am I ugly?

So I sought refuge in girls who lived outside of what was expected of them. It brought me comfort—like the closest thing to what I had before everything shifted. But still, I missed the dynamic I had with guys. The ease. The playfulness. How they could move through the world without overthinking everything. Being a girl came with so many more expectations—how to act, how to look, how to exist. There were constant battles to fight against views I didn’t agree with, and I was tired. I found myself mourning the kind of friendships I used to have with boys—at least, with straight ones.

February 2025
That’s when I started using dating apps. I felt like I was playing catch-up in a dating life that had never really started. At 24, I had never been asked out on a date, never held someone’s hand—nothing.

After an excruciating rejection—falling for a friend I truly believed felt the same—I reached a breaking point. I signed up for the apps because I needed to see if anyone could see me in that light. Not just as a good friend, not just as a cool person to talk to—but as someone they genuinely desired.

I was starting to lose hope that it was possible. So I signed up, hoping to be proven wrong.

Then I met a few people who proved me wrong. ~

The first one was this guy who was incredibly sweet and would do things like send me something and say “this reminded me of you”. He would try to flirt with me by giving me appearance compliments and I didn’t know how to respond because that was so new to me. I thought he was cute and I really enjoyed being around him. I felt really comfortable with him, and one thing I found to be very funny was how he mentioned that a street interviewer came up to him and asked if he was gay. I heard that and I checked a mental check mark because this is very much me. He met the taller than me and gay allegations requirement. One thing about me is that I like feminine men. Check. and Confirmed.

We cleared that up after and then he texted me “ I really wanted to kiss you”. I screamed when I saw it and texted a few of my friends because of how much I couldn’t believe it. To sum that one up he was unsure about me. We tried to start up what we had a few times but it never became fully realized. After the third time, he ended up ghosting me. Yeah that one still hurts a little.

The first girl I went on a date with was this masc girl from London/New York. She spoke like a bruh girl which me too so I felt immensely comfortable around her. Our conversations felt very riveting as we discussed cultural differences from Europe and America. I shared a bit about my upbringing of having immigrant parents from Mexico. And she also shared tidbits about her family. Then when it came to music we had so much in common. It was so easy to talk to her. I didn’t want it to end. We walked around the city talking about our growing up, college experiences, and what we were passionate and hoped to pursue. Then when we went on the rooftop of the building we sat on a shared seat where our body language relaxed and our posture had us looking into eachother’s eyes. It felt like it was just us while we looked at the skyline at night. That one didn’t work out either because of timing but sometimes I do catch myself wondering if we’ll reunite one day.

The second guy I ever went on a date with—I really thought this one was different.

We had so much in common—how we saw the world, our taste in art, music, everything. I felt like I could be fully open with him, and it seemed mutual. He kept saying how excited he was for our upcoming date. He set it up quickly—within the first two days of talking—which, after being on dating apps for a bit, I now know is incredibly rare. He even offered to pick me up, something no one had done before, and showed up early with an offer to grab me something from the store. He felt like a gentleman.

When I got in the car, I immediately noticed how calming his energy was. He opened every door, reserved tickets for the museum we went to—something I didn’t even realize needed reserving. Everything felt so effortless with him. I loved hearing his thoughts as we walked through the exhibits. He saw things in a way that made me feel understood. I remember thinking, “If I had to wait for this, it was worth the wait.” That surprised me. I’d had talking stages that lasted months—even years—but this one date and a week of hours-long, daily texting made me feel more than any of those ever had.

When his birthday came around, he texted me right after dinner with pictures and an update like I was someone who mattered. It felt intimate in a way I wasn’t used to. He was the first guy I could ever imagine having kids with, even though I’ve never really wanted biological children. That thought alone said so much.

Later, when we were at his place, he put his arm around me—the first guy to do that. When he gently caressed my knee during the movie, I felt something shift. It was the first time I felt arousal in the moment with someone. Laying there with him felt natural, like we’d known each other before.

Looking back, I think he may have wanted to hook up, but he never said it out loud—and I missed the sign. Eventually, during another conversation, I must’ve hit a nerve. He blocked me. Just like that, it was over.

That one was hard. I cried during the quiet hours of the night, just grieving how deeply sad I felt.

The third guy I ever went on a date. This one I knew from the beginning was casual. If you want more info about that one you can read this:

question for the culture- do you believe in right person wrong time?

present day… people whose love language is words of affirmation, I always feel uncomfortable when I hear too much verbal praise. I never grew up getting that, so now, as an adult, it feels very foreign to me when it happens. I know the people who do it are coming from a genuine place, and I appreciate the sentiment, but I think something about it will always feel disingenuous for me.

I think I am more the type that prefers when how we feel about one another is communicated through glances and actions after we have become a bit familiar, of course.

This quality is something I am coming to realize, something I have become accustomed to, so when I experience otherwise, I am not sure how to respond in the moment.

Femme- I would describe this as a girl who leans into femininity in her appearance. Wears makeup, dresses, does her nails, higher pitched voice, and uses words like “girly” as a greeting. Doesn’t always have to be pink, they can also do this in more of a grunge kind of way.

Yeah, I checked and so far still not for me :/ unfortunately. It isn’t appearance that is deterring, believe me, bc there are femmes out there I find very attractive. It’s more of an energy thing. I think it just feels like my mind shifts to bestie when I am around a femme, even if we had established mutual attraction through something like a dating app. And I reveal too much too early about myself because it feels like a safe space. It becomes difficult for me to enter a romantic headspace because of how I have grown so used to me encountering this energy in friendship only. I cringe at how I acted on the date I just went on Sunday with this femme. She tried establishing touch immediately upon meeting by putting her arm around mine and while I did let it happen, mentally I was put off by it. I’m more the type that prefers any physical touch to only be done behind closed doors and once we have talked for a bit even if for like an hour that day in person. She also tried feeding me a blueberry and same thing, I got it from her hand and fed it to myself. This is what a lack of romantic attention growing up does to someone. Actually being shown that they like you—that throws you off because of how unaccustomed to it you are. Tragic.

So now I’m left wondering “when love does come find me, will I be ready?” I don’t know. I still haven’t gotten the opportunity with someone who stays so I guess we’ll see. To be continued…