is this thing on?
feeling rn like i'm the little kid who's controller is unplugged but they don't realize it
I need to stop caring about whether certain people see me.
Every time I post something, I pretend it’s casual, unbothered, light.
But the truth is, I end up scrolling down just to check—did they watch it?
Did they look? Did they notice I exist?
And when they haven’t, when their name isn’t there,
It hits like a dagger—
Quiet, invisible, and yet somehow deep.
It cuts into something old and familiar.
The part of me that wants so badly to be seen by them.
Not just by anyone—by the people I silently wish would reach back.
And when they don’t, it feels bigger than just being ignored.
It feels like confirmation of a fear I never say out loud:
That I am farther than ever from the kind of connection I crave.
The kind where someone just gets me.
Where someone chooses me on their own, not because I tried hard to be palatable,
Not because I fit into something they already like—
But because I am me, and that was enough.
But when they scroll past, or don’t even check…
It feels like the universe is quietly answering:
“No, not you. Not yet.”
And then come the questions.
Is it me?
Am I doing something wrong?
Is it how I look? How I speak? How I take up space?
Is something about how I exist just too different to be wanted in the way I hope for?
I start spiraling.
Like maybe I was designed to be overlooked.
Maybe I was built to be adjacent to closeness but never in it.
Always orbiting, never landing.
It’s exhausting—how quickly I can go from posting a video
to doubting my entire sense of self.
Over nothing. Over something as small as a missing name in a viewer list.
But it’s never just that.
It’s the hunger underneath.
It’s the ache to feel like I matter to the people I wish mattered to me.
To be seen, not scanned.
To be held, not just humored.
And I hate that I give away this much power.
That a notification—or the lack of one—can undo hours of confidence.
I want to stop caring.
I want to post something and walk away.
To live without waiting for silent approval.
To stop tying my worth to visibility.
Because the truth is, I am worth seeing.
Whether they look or not.
Whether they get it or not.
Their silence does not shrink me.
Their absence does not define me.
I am not too much or not enough—
I’m just whole in ways not everyone has the eyes to understand.
And that’s okay.
I’m learning to let it be okay.
But God, some days I wish it didn’t hurt so much.