but the creep...was nice to me

a world wind of emotions on a night out - gender identity, harassment, desirability politics, relationship expectations, and tension

Last Friday Night

My first thought when her text came through? Double it and give it to the next.
So I wasn’t wrong—she was drawn to me.
But now, she has a girlfriend. A quiet plot twist, written in lowercase.
And of course, she only lets it show when there's something she needs.
How convenient, how calculated. Right on cue—righttttt.

And just like that, I was face to face with my past—Was I still the same, or had I grown into someone new? What would be my move: to step forward, or step away?
To buy myself a little time, I turned to my friends—each one offering a different compass, each one pulling me toward a different kind of truth.

Leo — the only person I can spend hours on FaceTime with. He lives miles away, so we rarely see each other in person, but even so, he’s easily one of my closest friends.
He’s such a light—sharp, intuitive, unbothered. His discernment is unmatched; he’ll cut someone off without hesitation. Honestly, I wish I were more like that sometimes.
I’m definitely guilty of the opposite:

I reach out to him first, naturally. Leo always offers the kind of clarity I need when I’m spiraling—his wisdom cuts through the noise of my overthinking. I trust him with my life. He’s seen me at my lowest, held space for the tears and the silence—but he’s also the first to kiii when Charli XCX, Arca, or Isabella Lovestory drops. Girlllll… I love you down <3333

So, of course, I sent him the text.
“That thing you said about people always coming back—yupp.”
Screenshot attached.

Because he knows.
He knows—

The History

Now, back to the girl. You’re probably wondering how I met Ms. heyyyyyyy ;)

It goes back to November.
We shared a class during our final semester of uni.
We never really spoke—but I’d seen her around. Once or twice.
Partly because she was friends with someone I had a crush on back then.

We finally met on the day of final presentations.
I had just finished mine.
The professor, sensing the collective brain fog, gave us a much-needed break.
He could tell—our eyes were glazed, our thoughts disjointed.
We were present, but not really there.

So I stepped out for air.
Put on my headphones.
And as I walked, I listened to this:

I make my return— the door is shut. A girl is speaking, but all I could hear blaring in my headphones was:

So I take out each earbud, and her voice finally becomes clear.

She’s sitting at a table just outside the classroom.
She looks familiar—was she in my class? I wasn’t sure.

Then she says, “Hey, so they already started class. We have to wait here until they’re done before we can head back in.”

I reply, a little confused, “Oh? I’m surprised they jumped into it so quickly—he usually gives a five to ten minute window before starting up again.”

She nods in agreement, and just like that, we exchange pleasantries.
She tells me she grew up a few states away and only moved to California a few years ago for school.

When I mention I’m from a place in LA called Hawthorne, her eyes light up with recognition. I didn’t expect that.
Usually, people from out of state only know the big three—Santa Monica, Venice, and Silverlake.

The only ones who ever know where I’m from are either locals, from nearby towns, or die-hard Tyler, the Creator fans.

He was one of the ones who put the city on the map.
If you’re wondering what my favorite song by him is, it would have to be:

But anyway, back to the girl...

Even in that brief exchange, I could feel it—we were both drawn to each other.
Something in the way she looked at me, the slight tension hanging in the air like static. That ended up being the only conversation we had during that class,
but it was enough to leave me curious. Enough to stay with me.

January

I hear from a friend that someone in our circle is throwing a queer event.
They mention it’s part of a class project— but that she plans to keep it going even after the semester ends.

I ask, “Would I know who it is?”

They say, “Do you know Payton?”

I reply, “Maybe. Can you show me a picture just to be sure?”

They pull up Instagram, turn their phone toward me—and it takes a second, but then it clicks.

I knew of them from a class. Familiar, but distant. A name I remembered but hadn’t fully placed until now.

Curious, I look up the event’s Instagram. It’s in its early stages—just a few posts, but the vision is there.

So I reach out and say,
“Hey, I’m not sure if you already have a photographer, but I’d love to help if you’re looking for someone.”

They respond about how it would be on a volunteer basis, and I say it’s okay—

That wasn’t really why I wanted to do it anyway. I just wanted to get closer to—

Payton

An androgynous girl—if you know me, that shouldn’t be a shock to you. I tend to go for that in the girls I develop crushes on. She has a bit of a quirky energy to her—she’s the type to make a your mom joke work. Idk I always thought they were funny every time she made one. The first time I remember hearing her make one was at a mutual friend’s gathering.

The gathering

She showed up in a fit that felt unmistakably her—
a loose sweater paired with equally relaxed pants,
never overly baggy, but effortlessly cool.

She got there before I did.
When I walked in, scanning for a seat, the only open spot was next to her—a lawn chair. So I took it.

This time, we actually talk—and it goes deeper.
We start with the usual, but then we’re tracing back through our upbringings,
comparing childhoods under dim lights and low music.

As the night goes on, our chairs inch closer, our bodies lean in without even thinking.

OHHHHHHHH—
I was not expecting this.

Jealousy was obvious in their eyes.
They brought up a movie we’d already talked about the night before,
Then hovered near me like they were staking their claim.

So I left that night, and she texted me afterward,
saying she hoped I got home safe.
That was… sweet.

And that—was my first mistake.
Thinking she would be different.

Let’s fast forward a bit… you’re probably wondering where the creep comes in.

The Creep

It was mid-February.
I was doing my usual rounds, wandering around to find the right moments to photograph—images that would help promote the event.

Then someone started chatting me up. Their energy felt a little off, but I chalked it up to maybe they’d had a drink or two. The event did have a bar, after all, so it wasn’t impossible.

They mentioned they were a photographer too, and said they’d noticed I sometimes get nervous approaching people to ask for photos.
They asked what kind of photography I liked—but honestly, I’ll spare you the details.
They weren’t all that interesting unless you’re caught up in it.

After that, I mostly tried to avoid them for the rest of the night.
Their vibe was off-putting enough that I just didn’t want to be around it.
I’m pretty sensitive to that kind of energy.

By 2 a.m., I was helping pack up—putting things away, throwing out trash, rearranging the space back to how it was.

Everyone was chatting about how the night went, agreeing it had gone pretty well—except for that one person I’d felt uneasy around.

They’d been making uncomfortable, objectifying comments about others.
I couldn’t relate, because they had been kind to me—one of the first people to ever use they/them pronouns for me.
That felt like a win.
But at what cost?
Why did it have to be them—the first person to truly see me?
Everyone else just defaulted to she/her.
Not them.

Months passed without another event.
I figured it wasn’t happening again—good riddance to that chapter of my life.

Until I saw the text that started the whole replay in my mind.

If you’re wondering how I replied:
“Hey! I’m not in a place to take on unpaid work right now, so if that’s still the setup, I’ll have to respectfully pass. But if that’s changed, I’d be able to make that day work. Let me know.”

When what I wanted to say was, “like if I am gonna be in a space with weird people's energy, I need to be paid 🤑🤑🤑🤑💰💰” lolll

Ok, that’s it for now… so I’m signing off. If any specific part piqued your interest, lmk in the comments. :) Ok, bye for now