a quiet confession

man or a muppet?

What I do for a living makes me feel like I’m in a constant state of dysphoria—one I can’t step out of because my livelihood depends on it. I have to stay tapped into what girls find beautiful, what they’re resonating with. And don’t get me wrong, I do like some of those things. But lately, it’s started to feel like I’m performing interest more than actually feeling it.

I watched a TikTok recently—the kind that’s supposed to be funny—and by the end, I caught myself thinking, Wait, why is this kind of me? I was like, lowkey… I’m the male manipulator lol.

Down to the small earrings. Those were some of the earliest ways I explored taking inspiration from men and applying it to myself. Seeing me in a small hoop earring might read as practical to the average person, like, “Oh, you don’t want to drag down your piercing.” Maybe even clever. But that’s not why I wear them.

I took a film class when I was 18 or 19, and the professor—a man—wore small hoops. I saw him and thought, Yeah… need a pair. Those are sick. And they became a staple for me.

The same thing happened in high school. Junior year, I met this guy I admired deeply. I wanted to listen to all the music he liked, dress how he dressed, and move through the world like he did. That should’ve been my first sign that I wasn’t operating fully within the binary. So I did it—I mirrored him.

No one said anything outright, but it was clear: I had to be the one to make the first move when it came to the men I liked. They probably didn’t think I could. So I learned to lead.

And there was power in that. In defying what the world assumed I’d be.